I've had enough of this chick, she wanted to cuddle after giving me a handjob. I feel like I'm in junior high
You should know I just got pulled aside by TSA because they found a bottle of Bud Light in my backpack... Thanks for that...
i just thought that perhaps i was done with the "boning on someone else's futon" stage of my life. guess not.
Sorry I missed your call. Have a great morning.
That is a horrible way of saying good morning to someone. You basically reminded me that we did not hook up yesterday. It's bad enough I got to go to work all day with blue balls.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
SITTING NEXT TO A CIRCUS PERFORMER AT PLANNED PARENTHOOD. THIS IS MY LIFE.
She's opening her family birthday cards at the bar. So we can pay our tab. Bitches wrote checks :(
Is it bad juju to glue mini budda to the bottom of a shot glass
I just bought a bong from a hot dog stand.
I just wish my penis was a person so I could give him a high five.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I fell into a manhole last night, so there's that
And as the acid sets in, he looks back at the shallow form he used to call his and whispers "3 pee pees strong"
The only good thing about the sex was that he finally cracked the spot on my back that's been hurting.
I gave you keys to my house and drugs. This must mean we're in a relationship.
I put on a tiger onsie to initiate sex... It worked
You showed me your butthole that's like a mating call in other species
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