If Jon and Kate can get divorced...how hard can it be for me?
His band may suck, but it's not like I'm sleeping with all of them.
What hospital were we in last night? Insurance needs to know
I called my dad at 3 a.m. because I thought he'd be proud that I didnt get arrested. Daddys little girl at her finest...
And I really REALLY don't feel like cleaning cinnamon off my penis tonight.
I think the guy I was trying to dance with was an undercover cop...
So on a scale from 1-10 how gross is it that I used mortuary makeup on my own face?
I was hoping for a marriage proposal... Or at least an offer to sleep in his bed.
I went to the strip club tonight. I had never gone, and in a panic I gave the dancer giving me a lap dance a handshake and introduced myself. Redefines business casual.
I'm not sure. But he has a pet sugar glider. So, points either way
As long as that's not his name for his dick.
He understood my need for pizza was more important than my need for sex. He's the one.
Can I pee and smoke my bong at the same time or is that like eating on the toilet
Btw, the reason I have a black eye is bc I needed to puke so hard yesterday morning; I whipped up the toilet seat so fast that I railed myself in the face. Then spent the rest of the day more carefully puking. Kind of why I'm not in the mood for drinking.
I'm gonna go take a shower so I can cleanly change into my drinking underwear.
I just hooked up with the German exchange student who doesn't speak English. And you said I have no talent.
Randomize
