$35 all you can drink last night. Friend 1 woke up in a hotel lounge, friend 2 pissed himself and woke up wearing friend 1's spare pants, and my toilet indicates I threw up extensively.
Stop trying to talk to my friends!!
then get some ugly ones...
Well apparently "don't come inside of me" wasn't one of the English phrases he understood! On the bright side... At least he will get his green card for having an american kid!
You suck. You're fired. I need to find a less reasonable voice-of-reason.
How was your weekend?
The sex was so good. It hurts to exist.
I was up all night on suicide watch. Dave was wasted and tried to strangle himself. With his own hands.
Just rinsed and put my styrofoam cup of noodles in the dishwasher. I need to be not hungover ASAP
I refrained from asking a guy what he spilled on his dick because it smelled good. Morals.
It's called being normal.
I think i was just meant to be a stripper. A ballerina stripper cat
Imma need a double jack on the rocks and a BJowsky from the hot bartender.
Yes I said BJOWSKY. Pronounced "buh jow skii".
I spent the entire night stroking his hair. He was cool with it. Never thought a ginger stoner would help me work through my social anxiety but here we are.
Alas, I cannot find a male suitor sharing my affinity for sport culture who will both manhandle me and treat me with the respect a young Hillary supporter wants and deserves
He shit with the door open. I think that means we are in a realtionship.
The vodka gummy bears are so strong. If I die of alcohol poisoning, please tell my dad it was single malt scotch.
We’ve discussed sex and dinner. Like chicken nuggets while doing it doggie and watching tv.
Randomize
