i tried to hook up with a mom and then her husband came with num chucks
Disgusting. If I saw her naked my dick would pack up his balls and leave.
I'm sorry about your car but on a brighter note I did wake up in my dorm. That's something right?
Fuck you.
I apologize for forcing you to look at my boob when we were high. It was uncalled for
A small child is toddling around the store, holding a coloring book and a shot glass. Thinking of you.
How do I know if porn I have watched is haunted?
I had to help him get his zipper down in front of his dad so he could pee in the bushes. That Is what moonshine does to you.
Wellp yesterday was spent absurdly hungover and today was spent in planned parenthood so I hope that's not an indication of the year to come
Plus idk what to say. Like hello dapper gentleman will you pursue me in a midnight hangout where I can be choked
I am the fucking FIFTH wheel. How do you think it's going?
Your life has no conflict it's just a blur of sex and Netflix
Just woke up to Siri reminding me that i need to kill the giant orange spider in my room, because it's sorcery and witchcraft is sacrilegious. Did you give me LSD again!?!??!
Um I got a ride home from the bar with two random boys and one tried to bang me on my parents riding mower
I think my dick has healed enough that we can start having sex again
the bastard is cheating on me with some sleazy barista from Starbucks
That’s his wife they’re back together
You say potato, I say sleazy barista
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