I just woke up in the coolest sweatsuit i have ever seen..it has cory's name on the tag...do we know a cory?
Do you think there is vodka in heaven?
you let me eat a milky way from your vagina. G is not lettin you hang out for eternity
he just flicked a booger into my mouth and shouted "goaaaal!"
This is a pre-sorry for hitting on and then sleeping with you're ex
I wore a firefighters hat and drank beer all night. They had to drive me home after breaking the beer pong table, they told me I was welcome back tonight though...
Sent him a picture of my pregnant boobs from last year, think he'll notice the difference?
THIS IS WHY I WENT TO SCHOOL FOR TO BE A COSMETOLOGIST TO HELP MY EX BOYFRIENDS CURRENT GIRLFRIEND BE MILDLY ATTRACTIVE... Everything DOES happen for a reason
We were kinda loud so his roommate woke up and to make up for it he invited him to a threesome. I can't drink whiskey anymore.
This is it. This is the birthday cake that gets me laid.
I'm going to become fluent in fucking Belgian boys
Dude, you were so drunk you were hanging from the ceiling of my car pretending you were a sloth while we were on 81.
Ya know what's the worst? Being drunk and wanting to show someone a picture of your goddaughter but not wanting to open the pictures on your phone because the first one is of someone's dick..
I remember yelling at him telling him that the strippers were "nice people."
We found you in the bathroom at 1AM throwing money into the toilet making wishes. That drunk.
.... Seriously?
so horny i almost want to text him..and then i remember the restraining order i have against him
Randomize