So, I'm about to rent a movie, order pizza, and use my vibrator.... Am I dating myself?
Brickbreaker makes my post drinking poops that much better. Sorry, I had to tell someone who might agree.
I just found a beer bottle in my xmas tree while disassembling it. God, I'm going to miss the holidays.
He kept referring to his penis a his "love gun"
You woke up in the middle of the night and told me we won the sweepstakes, the penis sweepstakes.
all i wanted was to be slutty. now i'm meeting him for drinks tomorrow because he woke up before i had a chance to sneak out and was too polite to say no
she's drunk at 2 in the afternoon again. at least my mother is predictable.
All you had to say was "damn dude that looks fun, I miss ice fishing." But you sent a picture of poop. Classy
He rubbed my back afterwards. I forgot how to talk and I legitimately thought I was a cat for a few minutes.
hey if you're going to the hospital do you wanna pick me up a taco on your way back
Sorry for face planting onto the table with all our alcohol on it
I was so drunk last night I asked a rando at the bar to take a picture with me cause I thought he was in the band
There they were doing the deed on the beach, looked like two seagulls fighting over a chicken bone.
He made me pay for half of dinner. Fucking feminist revolution.
Best part though was when he wanted to cuddle and I was like, I'm going to go.
Randomize
