When he was fingering me, it felt/looked like he was digging around for pocket change.
the guy at the pet shop just had an eye seizure while looking at my chest
It totally doesn't make me a groupie if I hooked up with him before he was in the Olympics
her and i fucked to a michael jackson song and she had it memorized so she squealed every time he did
Just threw up in the garbage can outside the liquor store... I'm pretty sure that's some sort of distress signal.
apparently i told her i wouldn't press charges if she brought me food.
I kind of want you to get arrested just so I could frame an avatar mugshot.
we're about an hour out, how's the weather?
cloudy with a chance of strippers and cocaine, you're favorite. welcome home.
Like I couldn't describe it to you but if they did a lineup of penises i'd be able to pick it out.
He left a trail of vomit straight from our dorm to the bathroom. Looks like we have our identities for the rest of the year.
sometimes i feel like my only option in life is to be drunk or be a cat. today i am drunk
I know you're gay. But if I'm not getting dick, then you have to. That's what friends do.
Aside from the possibility of pregnancy, I'm going to call last night a raging success.
I did the walk of shame this morning and his mom hugged me in the driveway
Nothing says "we're never gonna bone" like "nice haircut, it makes you look like my cousin"
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