I considered driving home in his mom's bathrobe until i realized i'd have to stop to buy cigarettes
I think its a sure sign I need to get laid when every cloud in the sky looks like a penis.
This threesome is so guaranteed that dinner feels like a charade
Idk if you remember me telling you about him, but I gave him a hj under the stars. Kind of added a little disney aspect to the whole experience.
He told him to "throw up in my mouth like I'm a baby bird."
I went around and congratulated every guy that had a beard for having one
Goddamn tequila
Oh boy. Send him a care package with laxative cookies and alcohol. So he can shit himself while he's passed out drunk.
You handed J your Mayan-pocalypse shopping list and told him he wasn't getting laid unless he brought everything on it. Where is he supposed to get a live goat?!
I think I just wanna go buy some jack at the liquor store, come home, take my pants off, and not give a shit about stuff
Yeah the last text says "How many your ass,,,,, prepare it" so take that for what it is
I promise that I won't shotgun beers with your boyfriend this time, Scouts Honor.
I just ordered a onesie on amazon in the back of the ambulance while my patient was sleeping. I'm an adult
Did I tell you I’m going on a date? His name is Michael and we both like dinosaurs and anal.
got the runs at the club last night. wondering when it'll be safe to show my face again.
Okay, let's just all take a step back and think about how funny this will seem in like a year... Maybe 2 if his nose is actually broken.
Randomize
