When I masturbate I pretend my dick is the slap chop an I'm destroying vegtables. Do you think that's a eating disorder?
The walk of shame is far, far worse on crutches.
I woke up this morning and the first thing i saw was the harry potter tattoo on his left butt cheek.
He did a double fist pump when he discovered the Magnums fit and skipped back towards the bed.
after you threw up, you tried to prove you were sober by reading the ingredients off the shampoo bottles
this is something i pride myself on being below average for
Dude their dog does tricks for sips of beer. He keeps going up next to people and trying to shake. This is awesome.
there is a guy passed out on top of me and i don't know what to do. help if you're awake? was anyone anyone expecting someone? maybe he found the wrong room?
Dude. You gotta go home. I think I left the snake hanging on the chandelier.
there is vomit in the pocket of my dress coat. i remember thinking "this is a weird place to puke" at some point in the evening, but i dont understand how i did this.
are you just inviting me because you can't afford an actual stripper?
He was super stoned and then he compared doing meth to having anal sex and told me to "ride that cowboy." The cowboy being my ex.
I'm beginning a new chapter of my life in which our fridge will always be stocked with jello shots. I'm excited to embark down this road to fruity, semi-solid alcoholism.
Life lesson: if a hot naked girl tells you to spit on something, you spit on it. No questions.
That's the 2nd med student that has had his tongue in my butthole, what gives.
Randomize
