so high driving around just saw a woman in a pink shirt chillin riding a horse
so high at work that a 35 year old with his kids handed me visine and winked at me. you win with the horse though
the highlight of my day was when my dad called me when I was watching porn and I muted it instead of pausing it.
i woke up with someone drivers licenses in my wallet this am...he said i don't have a business card so just take my drivers license
I swear, you have an app for that. "Attention: your boyfriend is pooping. Place call?"
He kissed my cheek and I could smell it the whole way home like shit
Then you can skip the embarrassing can I date your ex since you're a lesbian now conversation
I just saw her shopping list. The only things on it are blackberries, hot fudge and condoms. I almost don't wanna know. Almost.
We are cuddling. She is so cute when she is too high to be a loud bitch.
See this is why people shouldn't jump into marriage. See what type of drunk you're engaged to first.
No, this is a senior booty call. It cannot be ignored.
I sleep texted my mom and asked her for a condom last night
Omg. I just remembered my underwear is in my wallet
I just want orgasms and emotional validation. Is that too much to ask?
He caught me shoving meatballs into my mouth using my hand. Fuck utensils. It’s Christmas...and this is why I’m single.
They are good meatballs.
I just tried to dye my pubic hair teal for her
Randomize
