I have demons in me.
...So a 6 ft tall drag queen in heels I would kill for just told me I have a dunkable ass. I'm confused...but I'll take any compliment I can.
My underwear smells like fireworks.
i keep walking around campus wondering if anyone is as stoned as i am
I mixed the ketchup wit the mustard in one bottle to save time making hotdogs
all i know is that they all tuched my pee cup last night.
My mom asked what the mark on my neck was - I told her I burned it with a straightener.
She believed that the monsterous hickey on your neck was a burn?
well, not really. but then i reminded her that my sister has yet to take that pregnancy test and she conviniently forgot about my hickey
should i go to class, or party with a mariachi band?
meriachi band is very tempting, do they have dos equis?
We're not in high school anymore. I'm not going to pretend to be impressed as he butchers my favorite songs on his guitar. I just wanted to get laid.
I'm covered in mustard and it looks like I nose dived in to barbed wire ??? Was last night that good?
If making out with three guys at once at a Kesha concert while simultaneously smearing glitter all over yourself doesn't convince her you're gay, nothing will
I need to go back to work. I've had so much sex since the shutdown started. last night we tried and a little flag came out saying "nothing is left in here try a week later"
Ok: all ex-gfs except you from the last 5 years have or are about to have a baby...be on the lookout...
GUESS WHOSE BEST FRIEND IS OUT OF PRISON!
She didn't get a tit job, she's just wearing the right size bra for once
Randomize
