THEY JUST PLAYED KISS FROM A ROSE TONIGHT IS PERFECT
its sad that the first thing i assume is that ur trying to indirectly tell me you fucked on a breakfast table
by asking you if you bought one for the apartment?
Pretty sure I went to the bar in my bathing suit, sweat pants, and high heels.
Its official. 'Jingle Bell Rock' gives me a boner. Thank you Lindsay Lohan & Rachel McAdams.
Apparently I spent my 300 dollar tax return by ordering ramen on amazon last night. Please tell me this will somehow pay off in the long run.
someone just drove by blasting livin on a prayer and threw like 6 bagels out the window... was it you?!
I cannot be this high in this house. This house has so many of my secrets in its walls.
He asked me when I was coming to bed while simultaneously drilling a fart into the mattress. Don't fucking get married.
The only thing keeping me calm right now is pretending to chop off everyone's heads when using the paper cutter
Last night I had sex with one of the groomsmen I was in the wedding with. In a stairwell. 13 years my senior. Thinking I should retire from the bridesmaid gig.
Okay I shall begin. Thank you Swedish chef
Hurrfy smmurdshy burrfst!
That is the exact response I was looking for.
He walked away from the girl that just blew him to hook up with another girl, and when she got pissed he just turned around and screamed, "SHE IS LIKE 10X HOTTER THAN YOU!" Then she went on an angry dick sucking rampage. There were 4 victims.
I just picked up my phone and one shoe from the man mowing the lawn next to the ice rink. He found them in a tree.
I think I offered a man a blowjob for his power ranger suite last night...
In other news, just had to pluck an ingrown pub with the pliers from my multi tool while sitting on the toilet at work.
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