brad dismisses pussy with prejudice
something must definitely be wrong with me if i'm chasing after a guy who cant even get it up
You drunk yet?
Nope. Give me two hours then delete my texts before you read them.
Cant make any promises.
He gave me the "I've pictured you while jerkin off" look
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I feel like a really awesome person when i have to check my roof for things i've lost
I have a beer in one hand and a slim fast in another. It's another one of those wednesday nights.
There was a stripper pole on the party bus. Was being past tense because some fat chick somehow tore it from the ceiling while grinding
I see your smile in the face of every drunk that senses he's about to slay a troll.
You got kicked out after 30 minutes, 3 beers and 2 shots. Group record. Also you kept rubbing his belly and calling him buddha.
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No judgement. Sometimes you gotta twerk on a legends face.
I just handed a girl a slice of pizza and she handed me her number. Is this how Vegas hookups normally begin?
You are the only lesbian I know that needs plan b
Just remembered when I first started going down on him he goes "ok now I feel a little better about the broncos losing"
Hey, you know that marble art statue thing in your bedroom? Hypothetically what would happen if a penis got stuck in it?
How’s the date going?? Do you think he’s gonna cut your face off and wear it to his birthday party?
Randomize