hey babe. i'll pick you up in my mom's car. with my mom. she has nothing to do tonight.
I just walked by a homeless man reading the money section of USA Today...
I just told her she was a heartbeat above a blowup doll.
Considering last night's endeavors, I am going to hell 5 times over. 1 for puking on a hobo, 1 for laughing about it, and 3 for remembering it today and laughing about it sober
So my earrings and necklace kept jingling and hitting him in the face, and he told me felt like he was fucking a Christmas tree
Ok Ghana you win again. Tell you what...Double or nothing over women's tennis, basketball, hockey, war, baseball, golf, swimming, diving, oil spills, box office proceeds, internet porn sites, criminals incarcerated, women's downhill, bass fishing, NASCAR, or GDP?
Just saw a field sobriety test being administered at 730 am, I now know I do not have a drinking problem
we just plugged the camera up to the big screen. would you like to come see what you did last night, in high definition?
One minute we were getting noise complainted by the security guards the next I was shotgunning a beer with them
Explain it like you would if you were talking to a 5 yo
Wait no, like you would to a stoned high school freshman.
Apparently from about 3-5AM I was consoling that crying stripper about her life choices.
She was purple for Halloween. She literally spray-painted herself purple and called it a costume. It won't come off.
just got home to find my brothers naked on the floor covered in chocolate. i am now nervous about sleeping in the same room as them
A valentines day commercial would come on while I'm masturbating...
I got drunk. Then I took a shit.
It was a good shit
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