If I had a nickel for every time somebody called me a bad person I would have enough money to check into rehab
I returned the dress. When they asked for the reason for return I said, 'I don't deserve to wear white'.
There are Star Wars cutouts in his basement. Obi Wan Kenobe watched me give him a handjob.
I AM SAFE. EVERYTHING IS FOG. MISSION ACCOMPLISHED.
The one wearing a viking helmet and holding a bottle of Smirnoff. She's laying on the floor of the tube singing "cant find my way home" . You can't miss her..
Im sorry for drunkenly throwing your phone into the ocean. At the time it seemed like a good way for you not to text him
We have to have sex while I'm dressed as a tiger. It's one of my life goals
They drank shots out of my cleavage. Surprisingly, the one who did the best was a gay guy.
I've said it before and I'll say it again: your tits are a danger to gay men everywhere.
He broke up with me over the phone while I was getting my bush waxed into a "D" for his surprise birthday present. Talk about bad timing...
In other news, I apparently ate my retainers while rolling last night.
I don't know man, I have to ask my girlfriend if I can borrow my balls from her purse.
Also I just had a flash back ... He told me I have nice nipples and then asked me about yours..
The cop said he like my hair today. Please explain all other interactions with law enforcement, k thanks
so, in conclusion, I think his gf found out about the booty pics
He's finally divorcing her, so naturally he tells me that we're not exclusive anymore. His penis 'wants what it wants' apparently.
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