party was madd awkward.. it was like every person who i sat next to in high school and never said hi to was there
I know its small, but please -- stop calling it my "weenis".
he just had his sister send me a message about how he's not a creeper
Was his mother too busy breastfeeding him to do it?
you tried to scramble eggs in my dryer last night. i want you here in 15 minutes to clean this shit up
What happened on tuesday that a stripper knows my full name?
saw a man tazing a raccoon in the middle of the street last night... normal
Apparently someone switched my cash for monopoly money after midnight so I couldn't get any more drinks at the bar
Well sundance is in town and Im going to use my one and only shot to bang Taylor swift... Does it count as a random if shes famous?
Bonus points if someone shits their pants. Only 1/2 bonus points if it's you
Bonus points are bonus points regardless
I just ASL-ed someone for the first time since 2002.
Well that's the second time I've broken a lamp during sex this month. Starting to worry I'm some kind of X-man. (this one was a wall sconce and I fully smashed it with my head and it crumbled like it was made of sugar)
His idea of role playing was him wearing the halloween mitt romney mask while I gave him head
I woke up with jello shots in pant pockets so I must've had fun
I just found a piece of dried shredded carrot on my bed
Nah, we’re just sitting around talking about different kinds of boners
Randomize
