Can you please tell me why there's a bottle of urine on my night stand with a note that says "in case you're thirsty in the morning"? Thanks.
tonight's goal was "most regrettable decision" and you bring wine coolers?
Woke up to sesame street reruns and a $62 pizza bill. Never again. I mean it this time.
i was calling myself "cat the lion" and tried eating the computer mouse because i thought it was "my prey"
my mom just wingman'd for me at a bar. i really don't know what else to say.
next time we drink: battle shots.
battle shots or battle shits? if its the first, explain. if its the second I think I figured it out.
after I lost so many games of beer pong they made me be a troll, I sat under the table and told riddles while retrieving balls.
Why would I send you a picture of it when I could just steal the gnome and put it in your bed with you? Admit it, he looks just like gnomeo!
I knew it would get worse when I said I think your roommate is watching and he looked over at him and said ... So?
I'm sorry I came to your house drunk and fed pizza to your dog.
Go christen that room with your naked body.
Our Tuesday night drunk Irish step dancing was on point tonight.
We only initially bonded over boobs and sarcasm
I think you'll appreciate my way of waking up today: Under my cubicle, boxed in by boxes of printer paper, and hung over. I don't even know how the fuck I got in here in the middle of the night. I went to my car and fell back asleep. I'm now 2 1/2 hours late.
Just remembered someone sprayed perfume in my mouth last night after convincing me it was vodka and that i tried to herd ducks around campus and bring one home.
Randomize
