Just chased the kids into the backyard with kitchen knives. Best. Babysitters. Ever.
"Does your mom know how big your cock is?" Worst dirty talk I've ever had.
Did I show you my penis last night?
mom and dad are asleep. time to fish my half-full bottle of wine out from under my bed and give this christmas visit a pick-me-up.
"half-full" seems a little optimistic for the turn your night is taking.
I told the girl who was peeing in the garbage can she must have had a lot of upper body strength.
They were going around the house breaking things and screaming "Not my house!"
we fucked the fort apart but we'll rebuild it after we get some drinks.
Do you have any idea how hard it is to hit on your nurse while getting an HIV test.
SORRY BITCH CAN'T, TAKING SHOTS TO WHITNEY HOUSTON.
I got so drunk last night that I drunk texted myself. "hand jobs are the currency of the future"
So I just had breakfast and then sex in a parking garage before he went to school and thus I am loving my life
Jello shots? I thought you weren't drinking tonight.
Im not drinking im slurping
Fuuuuuck dude, he’s got #Excel in his Facebook bio; I’m screaming
So do I get points for screwing my recently single ex boyfriend and then telling him to go fight for his ex back?
We were playing fuck marry kill and he was eavesdropping so I said I would fuck him
It was like catching dick in a barrel
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