btw i have an angry voicemail of you yelling at me to get you a sandwich or die.
We had sex in the bathroom. Then he told me I could watch him pee.
he broke into my appartment and left me a waffle maker...
The gay bar tender told me I looked like Prince William. And that I needed my balls licked.
Dan marino should def buy this ambulance. But not this one. I'm gonna fuck this ambulance up
The psychic I saw today told me NOT to text the guy I haven't heard from yet since our first date this weekend b/c it wouldn't go anywhere...Miller light said otherwise. Miller light > Cleo
they adjusted my tv to black and white ... i thought i drank myself to colorblindness
It took 6 cruisers to bust the party last night. Cop asked if the theme was a beach party. I said I would fucking hope so with 8 tons of sand in the garage
Hey, I think I showed you a picture of my nephew while we were fucking last night. Sorry, I know it's weird, I just really love that kid. Again, sorry.
I really need to curb my attractions to blondes with tattoo sleeves, firearms and alcoholism
He sent me a dick pic. I am fighting the urge to send him a "sorry for your loss" card.
Never let me go online shopping while drunk. I now own 2 baby cribs. I have no children
Dude \nSo embarrassed \nJust sent a snap to my boss john and noticed my vibrator was right beside me
we were all too drunk to realize that the cat wasnt yours
I think I'm more excited for Santa to come now that I made a drinking game out of it
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