Marg and I just meaowed the nat anthem. I was tenor.
'm tripping baaaaaaaaaaaaaaas
Tonight was like the Noah's Ark of alcohol. I had to have two of everything.
Life lesson: Don't give a drunk girl a dutch oven after having taco bell. She puked all over my pillow. Funny as hell though.
He tagged himself in all of my pictures so he would get a notification if someone commented on it.
Restraining orders are what college is about.
lady crackhead wearing pjs and a santa hat brushed the snow off my car at 7am saying "free of charge" the whole time
She sucked my dick when I had a concussion. It was the coolest feeling ever but the doctor said it was a bad idea. He's obviously gay.
So then she just shoved applesauces in her pocket and started talking about she needed to find her friends.
you didn't get her number why?
I walked into my room to see them crying, watching hey arnold, and passing a franzia box back and forth...
The grocery store is a combo of ghetto ppl complaining that the low fat chips are all that's left and hipsters trying to eat organic during the hurricane
Should I tell them about my ticket for possession or about how I'm shitting blood? Which one will gain the most sympathy?
My mom just looked at me while watching the fireworks and asked if it reminded me of how I felt after sex. I'm so uncomfortable.
i keep seeing little orange spots im starting to freak out
you tried mixing adderall in your visine last night..
His middle name is Julius so I named his penis Caesar and told him he has to say "Hail Caesar!" whenever he comes. He didn't seem to like the idea, though.
I'm pretty sure I broke my breathalyzer by breathing vaporized vodka into it.
Remember those neighbors I thought were FBI agents? Turns out they're DEA.
Randomize
