so i woke up to her 8 year old asking for a bowl of cereal...
and this is why I hate my dad. He got 25x more angry with me when I wanted to drive a different route then he suggested to get to his house (more scenic- thus more enjoyable) then he did when I told him I was driving drunk with 4 people in the car and I got my 5th speeding ticket last night.
Never name a vibrator after ashton kutcher
That's what happens when you let Keystone Light make your decisions.
I lost my virginity in that bed. You just layed in history.
Just tried to use the bottle of Sprite in my car as mouthwash to get the taste of puke out of my mouth- it's half vodka. Puked again. Thanks man.
only clue right now is the orange grease all on my clothes. debit card denied so I know something weird went down..
I don't know whether to call the hospital or call the prison first.
okay the fridge is completely filled only with alcohol. Not even exaggerating. There is no food.
Sometimes I wonder if we're going to make it to 40.
My most recent midlife crisis involved eating a doughnut in 30 seconds but taking 5 minutes to do half a shot of whiskey, then deciding I wasn't going to finish it.
She jumped on a table and took off her shirt and started yelling things that no one understood. For being 3, she has a dead on impression of a drunk party girl.
Didn't shower and drew a couple dicks on my face before I went to work. Boss sent me home. Sacrificed my dignity for a 3 day weekend with you guys.
You may be fancy. But you'll never be having cheesy garlic bread and scotch at 3am fancy.
MDMA, margaritas, mashed potatoes and ice cream aren't keto Kristin
How does it make you feel that I can't control my vagina around you?
Randomize
