I fucked a guy named chris tucker last night
i wouldnt be suprised if in indian your name meant "walking lie"
So my grandma sent me a doily for my birthday - don't ask why, I don't know. Anyways I put my bong on it, I think it actually classed up the joint.
How'd it feel making her break her religion?
is 1am too late, or too early to make bacon?
Acid is not a monday night drug
New plan for Halloween: you dress as Waldo, I'll dress as Carmen San Diego. We can just hide in a closet drinking till someone finds us.
He's going to let me keep his bowl in my car. Does that make us Facebook official?
I wish my brain had a "congrats you just defeated the munchies" notification!
never underestimate the power of walking into a bar alone in uv cat makeup.. took home a seven foot man
I just want to fuck you then discuss implications of our existence afterwards. Then Doritos and hot tub.
HE GAVE ME ONE OF HIS BEERS.
YOU'RE THE CHOSEN ONE.
I SWEAR TO ALL THAT IS HOLY I HAVE NEVER WIPED MY GENITALIA ON ANY TYPE OF EMERGENCY RESPONSE VEHICLE!!
I never imagine I'd say this, but can I ask Jeff for the butt plugs back even though it was a gift and we broke up?
Also, I had mind-blowing sex on a pool table
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