im at a party in sweatpants, slippers, and a basketball jersey from the eighth grade, 10 bucks says im still getting laid
at the gym hungover with vodka in a water bottle. don't say i'm not fulfilling my resolutions
Judging by what's in the bathroom right now, I see you graced us with your presence last night.
and by clear my head i mean get drunk and cry myself into oblivion.
Let me refresh your memory. New Year's Eve in the back of my car you grabbed my hand and said feel my tumor on my butthole and at that moment I swear we were infinite
I'm about 95% it's a collapsed lung. Go big right?
Why wake up next to a guy when you can wake up next to a bag of chips and not have to worry about what kind of std you might've caught
you threw me on the ground pryed my purse out of my hands screaming " I JUST WANNA HOLD IT A LITTLE BIT". later i found you putting on my lip gloss.
I lost my vibrator temporarily and for some unknown reason my first thought was that you might have stolen it. But then I realized you would never do that because you know it keeps me from killing people. But I am overtired and lacking in faith.
once he tried to wake me up from my hangover nap to have sex, that's when things went downhill. he had to go.
I'm just impressed that you can puke without losing your gum
My sex toys have been held in customs for almost a month now. They're British, what the hell?!?
You're a hot mess, you know that?
At least I'm a FUN hot mess. Like a train crash full of pizza, fireworks and glitter.
Bitch I slept on the ground 2 nights running
I once left mine in my bra and I forgot and I didn't notice it was there until it vibrated.
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