Not that I thought your boyfriend was a phile
But the whole crossing guard thing? Weird.
Lonely and bored. Am I allowed to play Dance Dance Revolution by myself?
you need to do more things constructive for your career. like wearing pants more often.
Well yesterday i made out with the entire football team and rifht at this very moment our waiter looks like a ken doll. Straight up. And he gave me wine so ill probly make out with him
college has opened so many doors for you
Drunk off five beers on a Tuesday. I'm not sure which part of that statement is more sad
Sadly him cutting me out of the duct tape dress was NOT the most awkward part of the night. It was a littleeee moist under there.....
I left a care package of Jack Daniel's, pancake mix and porn in your apartment. Merry fucking Christmas.
Caught in the act of lying. Lipstick literally all over his dick. He tried to make some story about darkwing duck or some shit but failed to realize he is a complete moron.
He asked if he could pull one of my teeth "to remember me by"
I'm the only one who goes to a bar and leaves with an extra twenty bucks and a pumpkin.
When are your genitals available?
That falls under the "unwelcome penises" category. Also that's definitely a sentence I never thought I would say
I can't hang out with this penis. I'll start thinking I like the person it belongs to.
Dude why can't I remember anything after walking in from my first beer bong?
It was immediately followed by your second, third, fourth and fifth
I’m home.
I’m aware. I just dropped you off.
Randomize
