I told a kindergarten student that candy canes are bones of reject elves.
so I ended up banging her last night
dude I remember her. You sure it was a her?
i don't even remember
you started crying because you didn't get to wear your rainboots this week so i turned on the shower and let you jump around in it
youre the best friend ever
We woke up in an inflatable kiddie pool full of both empty and full beer cans. In the middle of his dad's office. Oh, and we were locked in. Nobody remembers.
I woke up with my keys safelty pinned to my thong. It's gonna be a great day.
just found $310, wrapped in a rubber band, at the bottom of my sock drawer with a note attached stating, "Make it rain".
Delete her number from his phone. He keeps slurring how he's going to get her "all sorts of pregnant".
Check out this gay circle: I've now hooked up with my ex-boyfriend, my ex's ex-boyfriend, my ex's ex-boyfriend's ex-boyfriend, and most recently my ex's ex-boyfriend's ex-boyfriend's ex-fling.
The only thing you accomplished yesterday was dry humping me on the floor of my work place WHILE I was working.
For thanksgving we are only drinking wild turkey for the next 24hrs time to strap your balls back on and maybe a helmet
Ps we bought 8 pellet guns just now
Can we fangirl? Can we have fangirl Tuesdays?
Sure lol what's that?
Oh, dear, sweet Laura. Please start singing A Whole New World. I have Aladdin's part, you're Jasmine.
Why?
Fav 3 1048 609 share tweet
Someone's vagina was extra sandy cause the left side of my bed feels like the beach.
The way I kissed her was actually pretty charming and then it devolved to car sex
Great. I broke up with him before he could like my selfie, now I'm down a like.
A girl showed up in my tinder and I have it set to only men... I super liked her because I need a lesbian experience
Randomize
