dude, i think i am in a porno. I was working out at the hotel gym and some chick was doing yoga and a guy comes up and says "good, now i know your flexible" then they started making out. WTF?
i just broke my key off in the door of my house because the engine wasnt starting
On the one hand, she would be the biggest mistake of my year. On the other hand, she's here and drunk.
We couldn't even have sex we were both laughing so hard. I don't know how I feel about the quality of that weed.
I knew I was in the wrong bar when "I have a daughter your age" was some random's pick up line.
ONE NIGHT STAND. You have 27 minutes before the offer expires, so I suggest you hurry.
We played "race the Jimmy John's driver". Order, then see if we can finish sex before the food arrives.
Just had a flashback of dry humping a man lying in the street while Jim (dressed as santa) screams 'HAVE YOU BEEN A GOOD BOY?!'
I had phone sex with a retiree last night. This is not how I envisioned my 20s going...
there's a girl on facebook trying to buy me a pizza. I can't say no... right?
You know what's even more awkward then buying plan b from someone who is a member at the gym you work at... When they come in after that day and have that look of recognition
In other news: I massively over-caffeinated this morning. Everything is vibrating and I can SEE THROUGH TIME
He can kiss the multicultural 3 some goodbye
He just peed in the cab. I repeat..IN.
Last night you broke a mirror, and then rolled around in the glass shards. Miraculously, there's not a scratch on you...
Randomize
