My bottle opener just broke off in the cork
They don't teach how to cope w these situations in boy scouts
Every time my boyfriend threatens to commit suicide I change my relationship status as "widowed".
Miserable. My projectile vomit just woke me up from a 5.5 hour nap.
She gave me a blow job and her mom gave me blueberry muffin afterwards. I love them.
Alright, I can go by eventually,, I don't wanna lose a second pair of shoes this semster from blacking out...
i can't believe he threw up on you. Well thats what you get for being DD. I used the sombreros as a shield!
I stared at his lazy eye for so long, he thought I had one too. Then we bonded over our lazy eyes. I had to fake one all night. My head is fucking killing me. NEVER pretend to have a lazy eye.
First roommate to find me and dance with me will live. Battle Royale.
I've shit my pants 4 times in 12 hours... Never trust a fart when u pass 30
Well it's like a wise man once told me: "If you're going to shave your balls, don't do it hungover."
She shoved a hot dog in my pocket and started grinding on it.
Gay?
German.
Pity.
I hope no one at work can tell or smell that I have tequila in my hair and I haven't showered for days
IT'S PERFEFT
... what?
HIS DICK. IT'S PERFECT. BYE.
Nothing ruins your day more than waking up to you dogs crotch in your face
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