I just wanted to draw pictures of limp wieners on peoples doors and smash pictures of palm trees. That's it.
he drunkenly confessed to whacking off before coming over so the sex'd be longer. this one's a keeper
I just googled "semen solvent" and got nothing. there has to be something that will wash this shit off!
I see a marketing opportunity
Do they fuck in the end of "Lady and the Tramp" or am i just wasting my time
It's alarming how good I'm getting at being productive at work on Thursday after Johnny Walker Wednesdays.
Did I happen to mention where i left my keys when I drunk dialed you last night
there is nothing like a happy birthday present when you wake up with a bow on your vagina.
You left me on the phone while you grabbed a plastic bag and started puking. I recorded it. Its my new ringtone for you
At one point I was giving him a handjob and I started singing Call Me Maybe
Grandpa got a dui while riding a horse. This is what I need to live up to.
Sometimes I feel like I should become a beautician purely for my ability to shave pretty shapes into my pubic hair.
What I'm saying is DOWNGRADE. Like, do you see the caps lock?
somehow I wound up on the floor crying about his beard. then telling everyone I'd give him a "lesbian blowjob".
If you find out what that means, show me.
She said my penis was powerful and magnificent
She is beauty she is grace
she’s masturbsting in front of an open window while drunk af 9am
i thought you had class
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