we were watching porn and trying to copy the position they were doing now i think my hip is dislocated
Saw the college gyno today. It has now been medically confirmed that I have a perfect vagina.
My mom ate salad out of the vodka bowl
I made out with a guy because he was sitting on my coat...
Let's be honest, your relationships fail because the man you're looking for is the equivalent of an intellectual blow-up doll.
im not trying to sound dramatic, but im covered in microwavable lasagna
No more margaritas for you. Also, tequila should be reclassified as a hallucinogen.
I'm full of champagne and rage, of course I'm showing up at his house.
my vag sweat smells like doritos
so now that we're not dating you have to stop sending shit like this to me okay?
You know i love you, but i just cannot fuck you until your eyebrow grows back. It's too hard not to laugh.
I'd say "I think I gave my TA chlamydia" is an accurate way to sum up my life.
why the fuck is there hamburger meat in the toaster. i repeat: WHY THE FUCK IS THERE HAMBURGER MEAT IN MY NEW TOASTER
What the fuck happened last night.... I woke up with a bowl half full of ravioli next to my head, reversed on my bed still fully clothed.....
There's a set of buzz lightyear wings in lost and found at work. I just need access to your roof.
This is a question I thought I'd never have to ask. How many hits of acid did you give your dad tonight?
Randomize
