I just woke up and realized I puked in my boxers WTF.
You stay classy.
The worst part was I forgot until I tried to put them on.
I went out in a blaze of glory. I failed the field sobriety test by saying ABCD FUCK YOU.
It's 9am. I'm four lines ahead of you already. Wake up.
God she is annoying. I am only keeping her around on fb because I want to see if her baby comes out looking like an alien or not.
I come back upstairs and she's leaning over sink full of vomit saying 'oh my god it's the chili'
he's the second guy to suck on my nipple in front of my friends that i haven't made out with.
I know it must have been a hard break up. Are you okay?
Oh yeah, I'm fine dude. My vaginas heart is broken though. I feel bad for her, you should give her a call sometime.
no one ever believes me when I try explaining to them that your straight. I'm all like, "yeah that's his girlfriends dress he's stretching out"
Did you know that if you chase vodka with cheap red wine it tastes exactly like college alcoholism?
Until you have had Country Grammar stuck in your head whilst writing a Supreme Court brief you've never lived.
BILL GATES DONALD TRUMP LET ME IN NOW
I don't know how that blunt survived being in your pocket all night but you pulled it out at 4 am in 7/11 and tried to fire it up. Zero fucks given
Now I just sit back and wait to give ass birth to pure evil.
well whats the tarot card for I'm totes going to be schlobbing his cob? because that's in his future.
Question: When you have the names of 4 guys tattoo'd on you, how do you make the 5th one real special?
so my dads pretending to use the snow blower and theres absolutley no snow one the ground.... someone should really lock our liqour cabinet
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