I just saw a hobo shake a payphone until it spat out a bunch of quarters. what a champ.
Happy hour is for amateurs. Been drunk since 1230. Fell asleep in a disney viewing of UP. Went to the roosevelt and drank more. Now im stumbling around the grove.
My moms helping me unpack but im getting a little nervous because I dont remember where i put my dildo
I just pulled a feather out of my vagina.
I am not joking.
it's just weird having a massive boner in the morning when you could have used it the night before.
Piggyback rides are my preferred mode of transportation.
We turned everything surrounding BP and the oil leak into a "that's what she said" drinking game. We've been drunk for a month
Man the liquor store just wrong numbered me, its a sign even god wants me to drink
Ps. The strap-on in the pic i sent you last night was not mine. Just wanted to clear that up.
I woke up this morning to find a stuffed animal submerged in the toilet. I'm not entirely sure if it was the cat or Kara.
He snapchated me a photo of his penis with the caption "it needs a home".
"We drove to the deserted part of the parking lot, and that's where we blew each other. It was so romantic."
bitch, i have a flask. i've got things under control.
god. marry me.
So I fell alseep while I was motorboating that girl last night infront of the entire party.
how is it I left wearing underwear then ended up with none? and why is it they are on you?
Randomize
