were not allowed back there because i puked on the waitresses foot while trying to order another round. for myself.
she called me screaming that i shouldn't ignore her phone calls, because she's not trying to get me to hang out with her and she doesn't want to be my girlfriend, she just wants sex.
what did you do?
i asked her out. that's so hot.
i would totally switch to progressive if they'd let me bang that girl in the commercial.
Stop. You don't mean that. Tequila might mean that. But you don't mean that.
under NO circumstances is it acceptable to fist pump to taylor swift
We just shotgunned beers for America
About to throw up, bathroom line up, Bro sees me. Yells, 'PUKER GET OUT OF WAY' THEY ALL PARTED WAY THREW ME INTO A STALL AND CHEERED AS I THREW UP INTO THE TOILET. we are going back
I watched Morgan Freeman explain the existence of nothing, now I'm afraid of sub - atomic particles. these egg rolls are outstanding
Best thing I ever did was get a dog. She's like a living trip alarm to warn me of visitors while I'm masturbating.
then he told me my boobs feel like "if you put mushroom soup in a baggie." I don't know how I'm supposed to feel about this.
Also you know what's irritating? When the guy you're sleeping with refuses to like any of your Instagram posts
The last thing I need is a possessed urethra.
i've got three words. i. was. spanked.
Protip if he licks the back of your knee and you reflexively kick him your game of 'lick the lady' is over.
death, taxes, and me drunk texting you are 3 certainties in life
Randomize
