Hi
Babe...You're really smothering me right now
she was mega hot - except for the poop under her fingernails
I'm telling everyone at work the mark on my neck is a hickey but really I was taking a shit while straightening my hair and burned myself
I am dripping wet and slathered in glitter and banana mush. I love gay guys.
It wasn't a threesome, it was me making out with one while looking at the other one screaming "does this make you jealous?"
Dude, she brought over peach cobbler, weed and alcohol plus I'm gonna get laid. She's by far the coolest sister you have.
the mechanics of walkigng feel weird right now everyone lools like a demon
what does alcohol mean
Highlight of the night was you walking into the men's room yelling "My husband is diabetic" and crawling under the stall to yell at me.
When you get up and look at yourself in the mirror, don't be alarmed. The doctor assured us last night that it looked way worse than it actually was and there won't be a scar when the stitches come out
Who had my phone last night? Whoever it was sent "Fuck you, you're adopted" to half the people on my contact list.
She was eating leaves off of trees and saying it was salad, and even told a guy in passing that her favorite color was plaid.
A very confused plastic surgeon just called. Apparently I called asking how much it costs to get a vodka funnel installed straight to my brain...
When you're a bigshot ER surgeon and I'm a starving artist, I want you to remember who held your hair last night.
My move is emasculating men with my superior intellect and it's not as charming when they can't see my huge rack.
This is a long quiet interstate without somebody to sext.
Randomize
