I was just at the urinal, started to go, then farted, then said oh yea out loud, then heard someone move in the stall behind me
I knew I had to get an abortion when his toddler sister came up to hug my leg and I kicked her off saying, "Get off, fucker."
asked the cab driver where he learned Swahili last night.
I have her designated blowjob hair tie on my wrist. It's like a key to eternal happiness
where are you guys? the police just woke me up on the couch outside.
My girlfriend is studying for the MCAT by watching The Magic Schoolbus. There go my dreams of being a househusband.
You didn't act like you were blacked out yesterday...
I didn't know
Who shows up to work two weeks ago still drunk and freshly high on blow and gets a promotion and a raise? This girl. Good at business. Super good at being fucked up.
somehow this went from sexting to explaining my eating disorder.
We smoked before the sunrise hike. I ended up eating a banana and singing Circle of Life as the sun rose over the horizon.
I just got his Save the Dave and, to answer your next question, NO I AM NOT GOING TO THE WEDDING OF THE GUY WHO GOT DRUNK AND CAME ON MY CHEST.
I went to watch porn and there's already 3 Santa videos. Happy November 1st.
My life has come down to me literally sitting on an uncrustables trying to defrost it because I’m drunk alone and hungry.
I haven't listened to news as I've been having lesbian sex all night. Anything new?
Don't worry. I have logic.... just not morals.
Randomize
