a smallpox vaccine scar is like a lower back tattoo.
i just borrowed 5 dollars from my eight year old sister. i'm at a new low
in retrospect, sexting while high was a mistake - I meant to say "I'll fuck you stupid, baby" but of course I said "I'll fuck your stupid baby"
why does being broke make me substitute dinner for vodka, Xanax, and two day old cupcakes? I don't like being fat, jittery and drunk.
he left me a 6 minute video of him peeling a clementine listening to justin bieber
I just opened up the mens room door to a dude pissing in the urinal and pointing at himself in the mirror
I can't believe you just thanked me for a blowjob on my Facebook wall...
Good morning sunshine. Care to hear the riveting tale of Michelle and the Almost Great Night That Ended In An Early Morning of Karma Emptying It's Bowels On Her Guilty Shoulders?
when I die covered in cocaine, hookers, and tequila at 73 years old just remember that I once had a tweet with that many retweets
Just fell off my bed trying to pose and take a nude for you. Probably broke my wrist
I am so sorry. Not sure for what, but whatever I did last night probably merits an apology, so I'm covering my bases.
I'm at the store buying a new phone cause I pissed all over mine last night. Drunk me is expensive as shit.
I'm feeding a baby and swiping on tinder...what has my life come to?!?!
If I end up in the hospital remind me to order jimmy johns.
Why?
They deliver.
My fuck it list is complete! I finally got a firefighter!
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