I dont like him- his parents were home and he hid me in his closet like anne frank
He quoted an N'sync song to confess his attraction to me. Needless to say, I had sex with him.
He was dressed as ron burgundy and his pickup line was "dont worry, i wont make you jump in a bear pit."
IM A DRUNK BIRTHDAY CLEOPATRA MESS. CELEBRATE THAT BITCH
I'm pregnant.
The fact that this number is not in my contacts is giving me hope it's a wrong number???
The drunk fake out is her specialty. She'll agree to come with us and two seconds later we check to make sure she's still there and we see her booking it down the hall in the opposite direction.
Major win last night. I traded my roommate two cigs for a six pack and a bag of beef jerky. This has been a Brian weekend update
It was a "my chaser needed a chaser" kind of night
I told you when I started the only reason I was gonna coach your kids soccer team was that I could meet all the hot soccer moms. So why are you so mad I slept with your ex?
I can't remember if I puked before or after the shots of absinthe. Or why I thought shots of absinthe was a good idea.
I tried to trade my phone for pizza last night. I guess I had priorities last night
I fell asleep giving a handjob, had a sex dream about giving a handjob, and woke up giving a handjob. Life.
Quick I need a sexy way to say "suck your balls"
I will feel awake by 6 pm
Are we not meeting until 6?
No I'm just saying thats usually when my body knows it's time to party
I rewired his car so that every time he hits the gas the horn and the OnStar turn on every time he hits the brake the panic alarm goes off.
Randomize
