Will you blow on my dice?
If it wasnt for my iphone and loopt, I would still be wandering the streets in a drunken stooper. Thanks Steve Jobs.
Well, I guess this was as good a night as any to find out I don't know how to use my fire extinguisher.
you need to leave class get on facebook and start untagging IMMEDIATELY
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I kept telling myself all night that it was completely okay for me to lose all sense of my morals because it was my birthday.
I found out you can't leave the bar with a drink. I also found out that pouring it on the bouncers shoes is also unacceptable.
You are very nonchalant about the high probability of us having an orgy.
Eh, I'm ok with this, this can work. We're the best kind of the worst people.
I may or may not have traded your body to the rodeo's owner for free beer.
omg i wish you could see the front of my car.
There's literally a dust print of your body and your arm trying to hold on and the other one where your fingers visibly dragged down the hood.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Here is your half hour reminder. Meet you at emergency room.
In case you're wondering what eggs stolen from an elementary school's chicken coop taste like, delicious. Delicious is what they taste like.
I just puked in my courtyard and dripped toothpaste in my chest hair. You better be getting laid or this drunk is wasted.
I can't wait to get home and drunk cuddle your dog
It's almost sad. It's like the Harambe of vagina stories really.
do you know why there was a glass jar of hot chocolate and a traffic flare in my shower?!! like where did that even come from
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