she told me her fantasy was her as a 55 year old cook at a truck stop who smokes a pack a day, and I was the 21 year old illegal immigarnt prep cook.
the guy at the pet shop just had an eye seizure while looking at my chest
he squeezed my boobs like he didn't know what else to do with them, then turned down head...
told you he was gay.
Hes sobering up now. He was just really bad for like 45 minutes. He cried while he was telling me how he pictured us eating hotdogs on the beach together..
Naturally, I just peed all over the floor. Two guys in front of me looked at me, but i just shrugged. They won't remember either.
Good news: he out-ran the campus police. Bad news: they were chasing him toward the REAL police.
Oh we're fine. I made her a "sorry I peed on you" omelet.
Kid sitting next to me smells like he slept in a dutch oven full of farts. Going to die.
I think it's safe to say I'm rolling my hypothetical balls off
He kept humping my leg and whispering "dont worry, thats my phone not my penis"
How are you not embarrassed to know me. I'm a mess right now. I'm a walking, talking tornado of embarrassment
I just look at my butt and see so much potential.
The awkward moment your booty call shows up to the Mexican restaurant and realizes you just picked burritos over pussy
YOUR STATE IS STUPID
Did you miss a turn again?
WHAT FUCKING IDIOT DECIDED TO DESIGN AN ENTIRE FUCKING STATE WHERE YOU CAN'T MAKE A FUCKING LEFT TURN?!? FUCK NEW JERSEY
I woke up with a captain's hat on my desk.
Randomize
