Why do I fail so hard at ironing, when I'm a woman and i should be amazing at it?
because god found you far too good at oral sex and had to make all things even?
She described it as "a squirrel being hit by a hurricane"
i just found five singles in my underwear?! im suspicious but delighted none the less
Hurry up. We're trading phones to prevent drunk texting.
the last thing i remember is unlocking the door. its like i was literally opening the door to my blackout
im just going to superglue mistletoe to my forehead and see what happens
i was thoroughly upset that he did not want to be my number 16, who passes that number up?
Like. There is beer on the other side of that door and 6 yards in. If he's not back in 20 minutes to let me in, I am using this tree as a battering ram.
I'm on my fifth cocktail in twenty minutes. I don't think I will end this on two legs.
I'm two guys short from fucking the whole baseball team and one is gay. I will be successful by the end of this month.
You christened everyone with a powdered doughnut and then tried to absorb vodka with your nipple.
He's under the table sobbing because he doesn't live in a taco if you ever get him this high again I will stab you
I had to dust off the condom box before she came over..
What's that? Is there a bottle of Jack calling me? I think so...
Have I told you i love you?
there's no need we are two peas in a naughty pod of fuckery
Randomize
