so my bro's bff came over...we had an awkward "yeah we fucked and can fuck later, but let's just pretend it didn't happen in front of the family" hug.
I just watched my mom open a wine bottle with an electric drill. I have never been so proud.
i walked in the apt and she was vacuuming. i asked why and she said so we could have sex on the floor. i love clean freaks.
Remind me to tell you the one about the cashier that wouldn't sell me Jim Beam and NyQuil.
She is putting glow sticks from her bedroom to the bathroom. She is calling it 'Being prepared'. God help us all tonight...
Just saw ur booking photo. Love that u were already wearing orange. Its like u knew
Just walked out of my apartment and came face to face with a shirtless dude playing with his balls and trying to tie his shoes.
which guy lost his keys in my bed this weekend?
My phone autocorrected your name to "grownup." that couldn't be more inaccurate. I'm getting a new phone.
I am trying to take a picture of a man in a wheelchair trying to ship a michael jackson portrait
The girl next to me looks like the young version of sara (bonnie hunt) in jumanji. I wanna be like PLAY THE GAME SARA!!!!"
Both of us came out of our rooms at the same time in boxers and sat on the couch. No words were spoken.
tom claimed she had a star tattooed around her buttonhole. i am not prepared for this era of skankyness
This is a mass text to all my friends. Whoever gets this first, please find me and confiscate my phone immediately. I am far too high to have it. Even if you have to punch me in my face to get it. Otherwise, let the "High While Analyzing Disney Movies" texts begin.
I ate all your munchie Mac and Cheese cause you left me on the lawn. If you don't want it to happen gain, drag my drunk ass inside next time
Randomize
