I'm not conventionally pretty...I'm just crazy
i'm watching a show about a girl who died from masterbating with a carrot. A FUCKING CARROT, EMILY! YOU NEED TO BE CAREFUL!
im sitting in a tub with a sombrero on.. im just kind of confused.
My sink just fell out of the wall. I can't deal with this right now
Hey on the reals though tomorrow if i take you out to lunch as just a friend will you also suck my cock as just a friend?
She said I came to for a minute, shouted IHOP!! and then shook my head and said no before passing out again
Just watered mom's plants with leftover mixed drinks full of Bacardi Silver. I'm such a good daughter.
ALERT: Turns out when I'm drunk I turn into a clepto. I just found keys, a ketchup bottle, and sweatshirt in my backpack that don't belong to me. If yours, come collect from me. I'm still drunk in the back of biology lecture.
He tried to give me a shoulder massage while i peed in the neighbors bushes to "make it more relaxing."... I let him... That drunk
You came into my room and started rubbing a banana on your face.
You know, I think I'm going to rock the shit out of this whole mid-twenties thing. Fuck babies and weddings -- I have vodka and young cock.
Being responsible doesn't make memories.
He seems like a lot more than a waste of tequila
A drunk and bleeding peter is knocking on your door... in nothing more than a sombrero, boxers and cowboy boots.
I cut him off because he was changing my thermostat every time he came over
You made the right decision
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