When I woke up his cat was sleeping on my face and i had scratch marks on my neck. not happy.
only room for one pussy in that bed.
I walked in on my roommate finishing watching something on his computer. There was cum all over his screen. He awkwardly said hi and pulled up his pants.
She does have a great personality.
Yeah, in her vagina.
this guy just used the pickup line "God must have spent a little more time on you" I recognized the nsync lyric immediately.
I love you. And by the way. I found out a way for you to train your gag reflex. Elliot taught us in math.
just convinced brandon semen are bugs that crawl in your pants and make gooey juice. now hes convinced he has them lmao
The sex I just had was not worth missing a girls night out.
I just reached for my seatbelt when I sat down to pee... Might be a little hungover.
Can one of you do me a favor? Light a match and throw it into my room. Bc I'm certain I would rather be burned to death than live in this hell I call my life
I'll have my hookups make my March Madness picks. Win my bracket, win my heart. That's how it works right?
6 tequila shots, 3 kamikazes and 1 rumplemintz.. The next day I puked in my office trash can while doing payroll. I may have to dock my own pay for lack of class.
I have a sixth sense for dads free balling in gym shorts
At the bar, some guy bumped into you and you screamed "hey, don't touch what you can't afford sunshine!"
just imagine me sitting naked on a toilet with a fully-clothed dude i havent seen in 2 years, trying to make normal conversation except that im covered in blood and he's helping wipe me down while i try not to pass out because blood makes me NERVOUS. And he's apologizing and i'm apologizing.
i chased my gummy vitamins with cold bacon, never say I don't take care of myself
Randomize
