a smallpox vaccine scar is like a lower back tattoo.
she said "feliz nobby job" then proceeded to give me a blowjob.
Is it bad that I had sex with another guy on my boyfriend's bed while he's out of town?
Just flip the mattress, it erases all
Done and done
I found out you can't leave the bar with a drink. I also found out that pouring it on the bouncers shoes is also unacceptable.
We just filmed our own version of iron chef. The secret ingreient was whisky.
What did you cook with whisky?
We started a fire.
Your wedding's just one more day in my life I can't wear sweat pants.
Considering showing up at your house with coronas. I'll be wearing a sombrero and that's it.
Party city is having a sale on maracas
I have the slightest memory of swinging a bag full of condoms over my head...
Cockoligist
Yes, one may refer to me as that.
I should make business cards.
I think he might be using me for sex. I also think I might be ok with that.
There is blood all over my sheets and no discernible source.
Just saw the cop you hooked up with over break. He’s def hotter in uniform.
Tell him to stop shaving his pubes. #Notmyjam
He's a college graduate, has an excellent job, and respects his family. To say nothing of his 8.5 inch cock. His narcolepsy not withstanding...I'm marrying this motherfucker.
Bold words for someone NOT on a unicycle
You asked me how red your eyes were... they were shut.
Randomize
