I finally had kitchen counter sex! i was so excited
I'm going to go hang out on a giant wooden pirate ship for 5 days.
the toilet has never flushed louder then when you sneak home drunk and try to avoid your parents hearing you puke.
sorry about calling you the devil all night.
He's paying me $45 to clean his room and $55 if i find the oxy that he lost.
My professor just gave everyone in the class extra credit... except for the kid wearing the Cubs hat
Yah, I definitely wouldn't wanna be fingered with a fake arm...
im pretty sure your bra is in my room hanging on my shark pinata
$100 bras are my way of telling my boobs that I love and appreciate them, and all the metaphorical doors they have opened for me.
She asked if she should pack the condoms, I told her I plan on drinking so much that it won't be possible.
Can't decide if it was more awkward buying sheets together or disposing of them afterwards
I was stretching naked in the middle of my room singing "Somewhere Over the Rainbow", apparently this is what I do when I'm high and the wifi goes out
Let's put it this way. Mom is bringing me a new shirt and I smell like lube.
I would never blame a unicorn for anything.....how dare you
I got the shit slapped outta me last night but the pain in my jaw doesn’t even compare to the hangover I have.
Randomize
