those girls across the street saw me hanging my towel off of my penis...they're coming over later
all he gave me for my birthday was sperm
at least its a homemade gift
Just mixed Baileys and yoohoo. I feel like an alchoholic 2nd grader.
he's washing the lighter in the sink and telling me to picture unicorns. requesting backup.
you know u lost to a carboard cut out of sammy sosa in beer pong last night.
a pansexual with facepaint started fucking a tall black girl on the bed i was sitting on so im going to mcdonalds
The best revenge is living well. Or pooping in his sunroof. Either or
I just think that exercising will really get in the way of my painkiller induced nap time rituals. There's gotta be a better way.
I guess I could probably fit that in between deep self reflection and teenage mutant ninja turtles
You chugged 6 beers in a row and then outed your boss at a party last night.
QUIT RUINING DICK PICTURE DAY
It's like my uterus needs a hug... and anti depressants
I was trying to drink every time they said planned parenthood but my body isn't cut out for this.
My ex gave me head because she said she didn't enough when we were dating... Best ex ever? I think yes.
That was the first time ive ever slept with a girl with a q in her name
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