Your face is a jimmy john
I feel like your standards for women is like rent-a-centers standards for credit.
i just told a girl i would suck the alcohol out of a deoderant stick
I hate cats. They're so curious, it's not their damn business.
Did you know they have alcohol AND weed delivery in Canada??? I'm not EVER coming home
oh my god. i just found my camera... on top of the bush outside of my house. never let me drink everclear again
I just found a thank you note I apparently wrote to my bed last night for letting me borrow the comforter.
Passing out is just my bodies way of protecting my liver.
Dude are you alive? We drank shit that made a german bartender blow chunks.
Woke up the next morning in an 8 year old's bedroom. Saw my bra swinging from the spiderman ceiling fan and decided it would be best to dip out w/o it.
Alright whatever you say... But in the future when you really wish you had a dildo don't come crying to me about it.
I just power smoked 3 bongs, ate hot cocoa mix before making hot cocoa, and realized James Spader's character on The Office reminds me of your mom.
An image of us stuck like that like Pompeii comes to mind. A wonder for future anthropologists
Hey, remember that time a week ago when we walk-of-shamed literally down the Vegas Strip at 8:45am and I had one broken heel?
You're a brave, albeit stupid soul for wanting in on the fuckery that comes attached to my vagina
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