I'll let you put expensive food in me, but really, not much else.
i need a lesbian romance or unplanned pregnancy for some spicein my life.
you got thrown out for pissing in a cup in the corner. you told one guy it was okay because you went to college and that he wouldn't understand
I only keep her as my best friend so she wont hook up with my ex.
beware of the wheat thins...there might be a knife in it
Great I'll forever be branded as gym slut at the new gym.
Am I texting you while being used as a stripper pole by two half-naked women? hint: I am.
I found my phone outside under the leaves by the curb. What the fuck did I do last night
I think my new low is running outside in a towel to pet a particularly fluffy looking squirrel and projectile vomiting off the balcony.
They wont sell alcohol here on election day! HOW THE FUCK DO THEY EXPECT ME TO ENJOY THE ELECTION SOBER?
We had sex twice and at Wendy's how dare you diminish that.
Today is my 3 year wedding anniversary...and I've seen three different dicks.
Why is there a mildly painful bruise on my back?
You slipped off the sink last night.
Why was I on the sink......?
;)
Bleach your asshole, I'm on my way.
Who is this?!?!
YOU GOT ME SO DRUNKK
i got me so drunk!
Randomize
