cant believe you said you would bone perez hilton
i said paris hilton
thats even worse
The cereal milk was almost black, the bacon was still frozen and the toast was soggy. And that was BEFORE I puked in her lap.
Imagine a baby lion feeding on an injured gazelle and it tasting fresh blood for the first time. That's me and this breakfast sammich
just when i thought we would make it home without incident he tried to walk a police dog
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Cognac is not meant to be taken in shots. I just wanted you to know the desperation of last night.
I doubt were getting our security deposit back... the toilet just fell off the wall
I paid some man $10 for his shirt last night cause I liked it. Explains that. Bought the jackolope head from a street vendor. Got invited to someone's hotel rooftop swimming pool which explains why I was in my bathing suit. My clothes from last night are MIA. Going over the border with no pants on is awkward. Origins of the car rim still mysterious.
I woke up this morning covered in blood and peanut butter. I am now safe from vampires with nut allergies.
If the cops knock on your door and ask if you saw anyone throw an orange out the window I was never there.
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When the cop tells you to leave the pool, does that mean you have to put your bathing suit back on too?
The sad part is that if I don't get a random pic of your balls or ass or both every month, I start to worry that we're not friends anymore
He's sending me pics of Yellowstone scenery...the only thing I can think is "I would have sex next to that waterfall"
He's like a computer from 2001 in a 2014 world. It just doesn't work. Lots of glitches.
It's only ok to pee out the window in the afternoon when you're drunk.
One day I'll learn not to get drunk on a plane. Today is not that day.
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