I woke up naked in my living room and my mom was next to me like we need to talk
So stoned I forgot I was masturbating and went to go get a cookie.
You drunk yet?
Nope. Give me two hours then delete my texts before you read them.
Cant make any promises.
Apparently tackling a bar stool and crashing to the floor while yelling for 6 shots of whiskey won't get you thrown out on St Pattys Day.
apparently he thought telling me 'the weasel wants to come out to play' would somehow convince me to go down on him
I invented the best game. It's called "what touched my exposed nutsack?" It can range from pillows to toothbrushes
She had her insurance card taped to her arm because it was the only thing she "couldn't take off and lose"
Hi future me, I saved you a big mac under the bed.
Dude, did you know, your blood is contaminated with over 17 non-beer fluids?
Now some guy that's in my phone as " Alex lip ring hot" is texting me and I don't where life is taking me
I spent last night dying strippers pubes green and landscaping shamrocks. That is why hands look like I squashed a leprechaun.
My sex life reached a new low tonight: we stopped into this bar so I could pee and when I got out of the bathroom my parents had ordered a round for us and this traveling nurse they met and were trying to run game for me. Saddest part? She was actually going for it.
Leaving the puke on the ceiling as a reminder.
If we hadn't just agreed to no commitment, i'd totally propose right now. Best. Fuckbuddy. Ever.
Don’t eat the Doritos. Jeff was eating them while he was watching porn
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