So she couldn't stop dragging her teeth while she was blowing me.
Ahh dude, that fucking sucks, what'd you do about it?
Decided to drag my teeth while eating her out... She got the point.
how can getting a pizza be this hard?
when you've been drinking 14 hours anythings impossible
I'm about to enter vancouver's biggest liquor store. I feel like I should sent you a "wish you were here" postcard.
Blonde 1 is sitting on the floor crying and blonde 2 is asleep with her face in the toilet. This isn't what I had in mind when they asked me back
It doesn't matter if I tell the story beginning to end or end to beginning, the story still starts with a random girl blowing me in the bathroom.
Covered in gravy. Never pour gravy while drinking.
I may or may not have traded sexual favors for Disney on Ice tickets.
Can I just put my face in your boobs and forget the world?
He's laying next to me passed out dressed as a hooters girl
I bet he's a super pretty hooters girl
Trying to figure out the logistics of putting my laptop speakers on this plate with the last slice of pizza. Too drunk to move the plate. Not an option.
Your shoe was in the washing machine. I have it in my pocket. My phone rang before and I answered your shoe. Meet me at the bar in 10.
Had a turkey baster with clean pee in it in my pants to pass a drug test, and the bottom fell off, so yeah I'm pretty pissed.
Please don't make me ever have to hear the words "the Queen's gynecologist" ever again.
Do you think my laundromat will notice that the bloodstain on my sheets is in the shape of a face?
Heard I spat fire in your face last night. Wish I could say that I'm sorry
House vote, we're revoking your 151 privileges
I'm sorry.
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