Let's just have a brief moment of silence for my dignity before we start tonight
im pretty sure i just saw someone trying to catch a fish with his penis
I'm upset that MJ died and all but waking up to his face on my HDTV in the middle of the night while half-asleep is pretty much the scariest fucking thing ever.
I'm going to listen to christmas music to trick my body into cooling off.
Put cigar in mouth backwards. Plz remind to check for scar in morning, can't feel it now. Screwdrivers are like morphine.
fact: I now appreciate my drunken winter self even more. I just found $20 in my winter coat with a note that says keep yourself warm next winter. I am awesome.
he asked me to "shake his dick" when he introduced himself, playing naked football with you in our living room. $100 says you two get married one day.
I was doing drugs in the men's room so my employee went in to the woman's for the same reason but left proof and got caught. Had to fire him cuz I bogarted his dope spot. Awesome.
It's like the blind leading the senile over here.
UPDATE: shit just got real- grandma is threatening to beat grandpa with a wooden spoon covered in chili.
Everybody needs breakup sex. You just happened to get yours from a dude who hasn't reached the point of breakup yet. No biggie.
So apparently I twerked on my coworkers last night. One month at the new job n I guess this is how I'm getting to know people
Did we have sex last night?
No. You laid in my bed and I brought you taco bell.
But I am still fully ok with my life choices as long as the consequences aren't onesies and pacifiers
At some point the phrase "I've hit rock bottom" stopped having a meaning and became my general state of life
So. Much. Porn.
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