I just woke up to a lawnchair covered in lipstick. I'm wearing red lipstick. What happened and is the tequila?
1 of the best things of being a business owner is I don't get fired for having sex in the office
sometimes in life you just needs hand puppets
I just got a ticket for the snow penis we made in our front yard.
He said he got a lot of action last night. I asked how much? And he said he got to see down her shirt. Freshmen never cease to amaze me.
Yeah, I probably scared him away when I drunkenly told him we'd have beautiful children
The great thing about skinny blondes is that they're all interchangeable.
We should have cut you off when you asked the can driver if you could ride in the trunk.
She crushed my hand with the box spring last time, so it's all good.
And with me just getting pulled over and you maxing your card out on tennis balls I don't know if we can afford it
He is making me drink his THC water out of a milk jug.
not saying it was a bad idea to throw an impromptu party but someone stole the microwave
Yeah, I fucked him. and the worst part is his name was Jesus. And nobody said it in Spanish. Just Jesus. There is no way I can avoid burning when I walk into a church from now on.
He deserves a nobel prize for his dick-giving abilities. 10/10, would ride again.
Is there a number of dicks a girl can have in a weekend before it becomes unacceptable? Asking for a friend
Remember! It’sa long weekend and a holiday weekend and it’s America’s birthday! So don’t short change me!
I thought you were asking for a friend
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