Every time my boyfriend threatens to commit suicide I change my relationship status as "widowed".
If I wanted to fuck someone, I'd go for John. I'm meeting Bryan cuz I wanna get to know him better. And eventually fuck him. But not this Tuesday.
i know im back at school when i can poke any random spot on my body and expect a 80% chance that theres a bruise there
I should probably file for unemployment. Sometime between last night and 4 AM I facebooked my manager the lyrics to hoe by ludacris. I'm just projecting ahead here.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I'm going to have to start sleeping with my keys taped to my stomach.
Hi Jessica this is Jessica and I am texting you and were taking lime shots and it's fantastic and I broke your elbow and I love you xo
Sweet. Warning: i have been drinking at work since 4. Plan accordingly.
1) I'm a decent drunk texter. 2) My world is spinning. 3) I'll give you a dollar and a hug for a glass of water. 4) I love you. 5) Example: your penatrive ways are overwhelming my alternative lyfestyle. 6) That is all.
7) Noodle arms: engage
The example was me just using big words while hammered. You're welcome. Ambidextrious. I spelled it right.
If you loved me you'd bring cheese fries and a condom
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
What has my life come to that I have to spank someone in morse code?
Only real friends lend their restraints to engagedfriends to fool around with married strangers.
Well my mom knows that the welt I had on my forehead last month was the result of a sex accident. This holiday sucks
I have jury duty tomorrow
I almost deep fried my finger today and yet I think you are worse off than I am.
I’m also apparently a very socialist drunk now
Instead of a horny one. All I want to fuck is capitalism these days.
Stop making fun of my hookups!
Stop getting hookups that I can make fun of!
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