Just crossed the line with my beat friends girl twinsie. Didn't realize tillz afta how much the look alike and an thougholy creeped out. Thanks ciroc
I spent all night sexting your girlfriend for you because you were too drunk. You're welcome.
I guess I fist pumped too hard. I hit my mom in the face and now we're sitting in the ER.
When we told the nurse what happened, she replied with "OH, Well you don't look Italian to me!"
apparently 20 random guys watched the process of me being carried on a mattress through the dorms
i think the doormans mad at me
well we haven't pretended to pretend we were going to have a threesome with him for a while...
I feel like a fucked a broomstick last night. You get a gold star.
I believe its time to stop celebrating Thanksgiving. I've been drunk for over a week. If my liver doesn't give out, and I'm not pregnant I will truly have something to be thankful for.
He was my shower sex Sherpa last night. And we both made it safely up the mountain.
By cross-referencing our messages & her Twitter feed, I've deduced that she was eating spaghetti the whole time we were sexting.
Do they mail horrible human being awards or do I have to pick it up or what's the protocol on that shit
Come over. But instead of sex, will you rub anti itch cream all over my face?
Last 4 google searches: class c felony, scary ghosts, peanut butter jelly time, Lindsey lohans vagina
The career specialist read an Onion article to us. Please send help.
Bug bite on my vagina. I think we need to stop this 'sex in awesome places campaign.'
If that pentatonix bullshit is playing when I get home we're breaking up
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