Life lesson: if you fart while talking to a girl outside, the smell does not dissipate, it just lingers around mocking you
My breakfast consisted of a slimfast and an adderal. My fridge is like an insecurity buffet.
God. I look like such a fucking stand up guy wearing polo shirts. You would totally trust me not to date rape you.
me and my sister are feeding my dog poprocks. this is proof you don't need a lot of money to have fun.
I need to stop hooking up with boys in my major. three boys in one class is just a litttle too awkward.
...and all my boxers are outside in the snow because????
Let me shower first- i smell like sex and rock climbing (not so sure how that happened)
Her only article of clothing is an American Flag
AND I JUST GOT FUCKING DAUGHTER ZONED. NO. I'M DONE. I HATE BOYS. ASEXUALITY HERE I COME.
Did you hook up with him before or after he shaved off half of his eyebrow?
I'm still pretty stoned. There are mini rice cakes in my robe pocket to snack on in the shower.
Ways to ruin a one night stand: the guy finds your parenting magazine on your dorm room desk.
Quick how do you hit on a guy in the car behind you? It's important.
Yup, two strangers look up at each other and realize the only connection they have is the dead woman they banged to death below them. Magic. They have to be best friends now.
On the shuttle bus from the Casino the driver refused to take us to the strip club so you said "let me off this bus or ill puke on you".
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