I told her Billy Mays couldn't convince me to sleep with her
i ran around the party telling everyone that my favorite sexual position was also the only position that made me queef...i kept calling it the "double edged sword"
i can now proudly say that ive peed off of a balcony overlooking the pacific ocean AND a balcony overlooking the atlantic ocean
Please tell me your aunt didn't see the Brita pitcher full of condom wrappers. We had at least 100.
I just had a full choir singing the phrase pudding cup in my head. Too. Stoned.
I'm watching intervention which is getting me psyched for your birthday. Is that wrong?
I just held a marble with my kegel muscles for 5 min. You may call me COCKCLAMP 9000!!!!
Hey. My eyes swollen shut and I can't find my shoes. How was your night?
Emoji's do wonders when you actually have nothing at all to say..
I just got a robo call from the Addiction Help Line. Not sure how to take that.
I just wrote a self loathing message to self, wrapped my credit card in it, put it in an envelope, sealed it with another hate messame, and put it in my lock box. So. That's where I'm at.
Ahhh, the bane of our relationship.... His mediocre penis
I dont think the chain smoking, tequila shots or cocaine was good for my bronchitis.
I dropped my slice of pineapple on the kitchen floor and was just staring at it about to cry. It was really good pineapple.
I watched my wife kick balloons while wearing thigh highs. It's not a sentence you get to use too often
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