I can't disclose who, but one time I called someone, they didn't pick up, and immediately texted back 'will call later, masturbating'
I thought that was really considerate
Call me at 7:30 and make sure I'm not asleep in this booth at Waffle House.
Playing drinking games to Nancy Grace totally counts as "keeping up with current events.."
I might not be able to enter cuba but that doesn't mean that a cuban can't enter me
How could you not be happy? Its like "and then I found 5 dollars" but "and then I found a handle of vodka"
i just opened a bottle of wine with my dads power tools
He seriously just asked the doctor if taking the medicine for chlamydia was going to cut into his drinking time. Never let it be said that he is not dedicated.
No. Do you know how much this carpet cost? If she comes over, you put down towels this time. i'm so not kidding.
She just pulled out a chicken strip and a hundred dollar bill from her purse. This is a legit twentyfirst bday weekend.
It was at the same house, but a different party, when lesbians set me on fire. So there's that.
In hindsight, drunkenly yelling "I'M TICKLISH" might not have been an entirely wise decision
Just because you have put things in my vagina does not mean you know me
Sooooooo, can scratch getting a pelvic exam by a man dressed as Woody from Toy Story off my list.
You need to write an essay about this experience.
He was even wearing the hat.
He was out clubbing with his SON. WHY did you let me KISS HIM? Also WHERE WAS HIS SON?!
Irony: drinking your pre workout supplement out of the cup your Krispy Kreme doughnut holes came in.
Randomize
